I just gotta share this real quick. I've never been the tidiest (most tidy?) person, but the fact that after moving into my apartment 2 years ago I still have carton boxes with things standing around in my room really bothers me. And either due to the fact that I love my studies and I love going to the seminars and preparing my own projects or due to the lack of ideas how to spend my spare time (is there any?) except for listening to my sisters problems on the phone or still crying over my recent lost love (who I've been "best friends" with for the past year), I never found the ambition to bring my life into shape (can I say that?). What are the things that I ALWAYS WANTED? WHAT IS IT I WOULD LIKE TO DO? And I had to realize that this was a question I haven't asked myself in a long time! I also realized that the last time I did things I loved was before I turned 19 (that's when I started my first serious relationship) and then again after we broke up 3 1/2 years later. And during adolescence I didn't have to ask myself "What could I do which is SOOO much fun?" - I just did it. We all did.
So now that my sister is in professional care and after I somehow managed to reduce contact to my "best friend"/my ex-boyfriend (who still lives right across the yard), all of a sudden I start doing things that fill up my SELF, that somehow shape my personality and give me a better feeling about myself... That's completely new to me and I'm not sure for how long I'll be able to sustain that state of being good to myself, but for now I'm really happy!
Two days ago I finally connected my record player to my stereo and I've been listening to LP's! That player has been in my possession for 4 years and I probably played it, like, once or twice! Yesterday I went shopping though I'm kinda bankrupt right now. I got some nice things for myself (I've never been a real girl and fashion was never a topic, but NOW...), I played old Madonna and Roxette records somebody gave me as a present and went through my closet, throwing out old stuff I'd never wear, making room for new awesome clothes. Goodness, THAT was interesting! I'm not sure whether this was just a whim and in my normal every day life I won't choose my outfit as thoroughly as I could, but still - it was a fun day and I only did what I felt like doing (as opposed to forcing myself to do things that I assumed are necessary... blabla).
So, yeah! And also, the whole LP thing opened up an old/new perspective on listening to music, since I find MP3 Players somehow suspicious anyway. Now I know why: You have a huge LP with a cover, and it is an original and it pays due respect to the music that's on it! You can't skip tracks (though I suppose newer models or those for DJs probably can do that, I'm not up to date) and you can't jump around standing next to it, cuz then the record will jump. So you better sit or lie down, relax and let yourself get carried away (of course only if you're not listening to absolute kick ass rock'n'roll or metal or house). With mp3 CDs my friends gave me (with lots and lots of great albums on them) I had my problems. Since I am a very visual person, I guess I'm just missing the covers and booklets to really get connected to the material on a CD or I don't know how else to explain this to myself or anybody out there.
That's it, it feels good to capture something that I feel might be a step into the right direction. Who knows how many wrong steps I'll be taking, but for now: WAY TO GO!
Oh yeah - this is the new me.
